Aquarius
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virusWeird Al Yankovic
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep
That’s your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That’s your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fianc
